Disassociation comes in many forms. It can be seen and experienced as a detachement from one’s own thoughts, emotions and body. It can also be experienced as a sense of being in a foreign place as if one is unfamiliar with one’s surroundings despite knowing such is untrue. These experiences are categorized as depersonalization(experienced inside of one’s self) and derealization(experienced outside of one’s self).

To experience either is extremely frightening. This particular post will focus on depersonalization.
To detach from aspects of yourself but stil remain aware of one detached experience is a very hard concept to understand. Why does this happen?
When a person experiences a trauma or traumas, depending on age, the mind can detach from various aspects of the self that became utterly frightened and overwhelmed. 
If the trauma happens as a child, the mind can even cut off an aspect of the self all together like one’s emotions.
Depersonalization can be experienced in such extreme manners and runs on a spectrum of severity. For example, the mind can remove one’s awareness all together of the disassociated experiences which can be seen in various mental health disorders like DID and NPD.  The mind can also disassociate from the self all together and remove one’s entire sense of self  which can be seen in NPD and BPD.
To gain one’s awareness and ownership of one’s own mind and body takes sobriety and therapy, tons of it. The goal is to become aware, to become aware of what the hindering factors are regarding a person’s dissasociated parts in order to identify what aspects of oneself needs to become integrated. This is a very long and exhausting ordeal but necessary if one wants to get better. 

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linguistic manipulation

Narcissists use every aspect of their victim’s entire being against them as well as the very reason to why they are confusing, abusing, and abandoning them. Of course the narcissist does not make this appear as so. In fact, the narcissist makes all of this appear as if they are the ones being victimized by their victims instead.

This is insane.

The victim’s words, their lack of words, their behavior, their lack of action, their thinking and their emotions are all used against them by the narcissist in order to abuse them and blame them for it.

When the victim speaks authentically in any way- this is used against them. The narcissist will use their victim’s words by twisting the interpretation of such to make it appear as if the narcissist is actually offended, hurt or annoyed.

When the victim chooses to not do a thing and be silent- the narcissist will use this as a way to make it appear as if they are being ignored for no reason, despite knowing they have dismissed everything they have done to their victim that could potentially lead their victim to ignore them.. but sometimes, the victim is not responding simply because they are in the shower. Either way-a lack of action and words are used against the victim.

The narcissist will use their victim’s thoughts against them as well. Whether the narcissist assumes what their victim is thinking and chooses to persecute them for it or the narcissist decides to interpret what the victim has said as offensive or ridiculous, the narcissist uses their victim’s words against them.

The narcissist of course, uses their victim’s emotions against them, whether it is stating to them that all they do is whine or stating that they are being being too needy and annoying when they express emotion.

Linguistic manipulation creates a realm where the narcissist can appear as if he or she is not manipulating anyone when in fact, they are. It is a very sick and insane approach but none the less, fitting for a narcissist.

self respect and punishment

You are not allowed to have self respect according to a narcissist. Everytime you attempt to have self respect in any way, you will be “justifiably punished”.

The narcissist likes to punish those who disobey him and when I say disobey him, I mean exist. The narcissist does not want you to exist as an authentic individual. He wants to mold you into an obedient and abused puppet. It is impossible to have self respect when you are a puppet because you do not humanly exist to the narcissist- you are seen as a puppet. A puppet is a toy-an object.

Being punished everytime you try to stick up for yourself in attempts to gain an ounce of dignity, the narcissist will ensure he punishes you. This is of course is a brainwashing tactic to gain control over you.

To have self respect and to be with a narcissist cannot exist in the victim’s world simply because they are denied an existence.

Even when the narcissist falsely makes up reasons to his insane and cruel behavior as an attempt to justifiably rewrite reality, the victim is being disrespected whether they are aware of it or not. Just because the victim does not know they are being brainwashed, does not mean they are free of the associated consequences.

Trying to Escape

Being lured back into the narcissist’s web usually involves a fear of disappointment, conflict and/or rejection. It is difficult to defy the flow of the narcissist’s plan and play. Many victims commonly think to themselves “he is speaking as if nothing happened so if I say anything that involves my own needs or wants, he will just freak out again”.

Why is this a problem??

The narcissist has ensured his victim knows that they will in fact, be abandoned, abused and rejected again if they speak up. The victim is trained to know that whatever they want to say to the narcissist, will be used against them thus, their words will be twisted to appear as wrong leading to “justified” abuse in the narcissist’s mind.

The fear of all of this tends to naturally keeps the narcissist’s victim trapped in this nightmare. How can a person leave a relationship if everytime they attempt to, they are abused and manipulated to such degrees, having their fears used against them??? How can a person leave a relationship with a narcissist when they are abused so grately and covertly when they try to escape and live their life?

The narcissist provides all his victims an unwritten and signed contract that states “you are my victim-you will obey me or I will ruin your life to the point that you will come to think that coming back is in fact, the better thing to do” – forges signature.

The golden 3

How easy it seems for the narcissist to lure you back into their wrath. There is a method to their madness though despite feeling as if things have happened so unexplainably quick. So to begin understanding how you have landed back in the spider web, it is important to know the narcissist’s golden unwritten policy. This policy is what I like to call “the golden three”.

1. You are not allowed to contact him via text message, you will speak to the narcissist solely on the phone. Your messages will be either ignored or blocked. If the narcissist chooses to respond via text it is done to feel you out but then a phone call must be had. Why??? It is much easier for the narcissist to manipulate you on the phone than it is via text and the narcissist very much knows this.

2. You are not allowed to ask why–why he is angry, why he will not explain his behavior, why is able to go silent, etc. If you try to ask why–you will be abused or ignored. The narcissist ingrains this rule in his victims in order to create a need to resolve things and the only way to resolve things is to never ask why which leads to the third golden rule.

3. If you contact the narcissist in a manner that dismisses his past behavior prior to a silent treatment in order to just feel sane again —you will have given the narcissist a pass go card. This card initiates the love bombing to begin all over again, allowing the narcissist to get away with his insane malignant behavior.

Why you keep going back

Many times, I have heard victim’s of narcissists ask “why do I go back? What is wrong with me?” So I am going to answer this question for anyone who is seeking an answer to this question.

So yes, you know that the narcissist is a narcissist and yes you know what that constitutes but what does all this really mean when it comes down to being in a relationship with a narcissist?

When you met the narcissist, you did not meet a narcissistic behaving weirdo. When you met the narcissist, you met the love of your life. Yes, you know now that the narcissist is in fact, a narcissist but that does not rewire your memory to incorporate this piece of knowledge into your memory.

When the narcissist begins to manipulate you, of course you were not aware of all the gaslighting, this programmed your mind to believe you were less than the narcissist, just simply not good enough.

So up to this point, you have come to believe you have this soulmate but somehow and somewhere down the line, you have become “not good enough”. This stage alone in narcissistic abuse is very mentally and emotionally influential. You have now come to believe you are the cause of your misery and that it is due to the fact that you are unlovable somehow.

All victims do not actually leave this stage. You will be given temporary relief as time goes on but never permanently which means your negative beliefs that you hold towards yourself are now here to stay.

Why can’t you leave the narcissist?

Just like the narcissist, you are now unconsconsciously trying to rid yourself of these negative beliefs by trying to gain validation from the narcissist. To hold these beliefs are so drastically different from the lifting of your once held positive beliefs. The narcissist has truly projected his pathology onto you thus, you are seeking external validation from him to be ok with yourself again.

This is sick

Fantasy or Reality?

Victim’s of narcissistic abuse are always given two options when they are speaking with a narcissist- adapt to the narcissist’s fantasy or remain in reality.

If the choice of assimilating with the narcissist’s fantasy is chosen, the victim is forced to deny all of themselves and all of whst they have experienced. Assimilating with a narcissist is to invalidate oneself. It is impossible to speak with a narcissist and not actually invalidate one’s own existence. You can never exist in the narcissist’s fantasy and not be abused. Even when the narcissist seems to be in reality, they are not. Even when the narcissist isn’t abusing his victims overtly, they are abusing them covertly. This is because the victim has to deny their own thoughts and emotions in order for such faulty peace to take place.

On the other hand, there are many consequences when the victim of a narcissist chooses to remain in reality. The abuse, confusion, stalking, gaslighting, and overall invalidation heightens ten fold. The narcissist ensures this double edge sword exists in order to make it ten times more difficult for any one of his victims to abandon him.

Understand that the narcissist knows that denying and invalidating everything his victims have been threw because of him has many benefits. The narcissist knows that it is neurologically ingrained in human beings to perceive their external world and all the things in their external world in a visual manner=the eyes.

Things become very hard when the human mind attempts to contradict what has been seen with one’s own eyes. Even with all the awareness one could have towards the realm of perception, this is extremely difficult. Essentially, this particular manipulation tactic is one of the most effective way in which the narcissist turns his victims against themselves, by simply creating a war in the victim’s mind.

This war is inevitable but never forget, you can make your very accurate perception of who the narcissist is and all that you have experienced as the only reality by modifying your behavior to match your very accurate perception. Difficult, yes but not impossible.

How the Narcissist can Control a Conversation

Everyone knows that the narcissist lacks accountability but what does this word “accountable” really mean when it comes to a narcissist?

Of course, everyone knows that the narcissist lacks accountability in all that he does. He censors his conversations, gives silent treatments, denies the things he does, verbally attacks you and lies consistently, all done just to avoid being accountable.

There are many tricky ways in which a narcissist can avoid being accountable but the real question is – why does being accountable involve trickery for a narcissist?

Well, the narcissist has to be able to dodge accountability in a way that also allows his ego to remain protected. His use of linguistics is very necessary in order for him to refrain from being accountable. He has to be able to use his words in such a way that cannot open any doors in the conversation that could possibly lead the narcissist no choice but to be accountable. You can try to prove to the narcissist using a million facts that he has been caught thus, has to be accountable but if the narcissist has already said to you “your a horrible person, i’m done being falsely accused, goodbye,” then all those stated facts have been rendered useless to him simply because the narcissist has displayed that he will not respond to “your lies and accusations” (aka reality).

Essentially, this particular tactic that the narcissist uses to avoid accountability is the disowning of his own words. For example, the narcissist calls you a loser and you respond with “it is not ok to call me names” -the narcissist will then treat you as if you are the one in the wrong and say something along the lines of “your so rude, you think your better then everyone else”. The narcissist has now disowned his words and is acting as if he is only able to see that you have insulted him. He has now turned reality into fiction and avoided all accountability.

The narcissist will disown anything he says to: drive you crazy-as a gaslighting tactic, if he feels offended which is far too often and also something that he believes happens for delusional reasons, and to distract you from what he has said or done.

Narcissists use this manipulation tactic so frequently but putting this tactic into words is very difficult to do. Many people describe the narcissist’s malignancy with broader terms like abusive or sneaky, but this broader terms do not do any real justice in describing the magnitude of methodical psychological warfare that has truly taken place via the narcissist.

The Starter 411

The narcissist sees people as legitimate mirrors. This is not a metaphor, this is truth. The narcissist can only see who he is threw your reactions but he cannot see you. Narcissists are addicted to attention because they are addicted to themselves-their reflections. The reason for this is because the narcissist does not believe he exists within his own mind. Without attention, the narcissist truly believes he will disappear and die. This is not an exaggeration this is how they know life to be…this is fact for them. This is because a narcissist’s ego functions (their identity) is externally provided.

Narcissists need to abuse other people because if they do not, they have no way to prove to themselves that they are better than the rest of the world. So not only do narcissists need people to exist within their own minds, they want to exist in a particular way ..a grandiose way. This is why narcissists pathologically lie and manipulate others…to manifest reactions in their victims that promote his/her ideal version of who he/she wants to be.

The reason why abuse is the most effective method for a narcissist to convince themselves they are a real person that exists and that they are better then the rest is because abuse creates a very unique manifested reaction created by the narcissist.

The narcissist eliminates all doubts regarding how they perceive their victim’s perspective of them when they abuse their victims and the victim reacts accordingly. Anyone can say hi or bye to a narcissist, this type of interpersonal exchange deemed supply as well, does not make the narcissist believe they are special. You could compliment and agree with a narcissist right around the clock-but this too, does not prevent the narcissist from abusing their victims. It will in fact, promote abuse because the narcissist will come to believe they are better than their victims and abuse them for being seen as worthless.

Narcissists despise anyone who adores them because they believe that in order for a person to like or adore them would have to be demented. They despise anyone who they believe allows them to abuse them despite the manipulation deployed that they are aware of. The narcissist also assumes that everyone is a liar like them so they come to believe that when a person is too nice, they are being conned, manipulated and lied to.

Narcissists are walking contradictions because they crave supply but abuse and abandon the very thing they need. The narcissist wants to be worshipped and adored but they will come to hate anyone who does such.

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